Our Journey with Infertility (So Far)
it’s been a long 4 years
I have thought about writing this post for a long time, but always when we had “an ending” The full story arc. We started here, then here, here, here and we ended here. But if there is one thing infertility has taught me, it’s that we don’t get to control the ending. We don’t know the story arc for many years passed and we just have to keep moving forward and doing the next right thing. But the story is still the story even if it’s in the middle. Even if we are only part way through.
our infertility story is a story that’s still being written.
It took me 3.5 years to be able to say Infertility instead of “our fertility journey.” Infertility felt too final, too big, too scary, too many chips stacked against us. Labels are a funny thing, they help but they can also feel too consuming. Infertility is anything but definitive labels. I’ve heard random terms thrown around with me and they’ve had a hard time diagnosing any reasons to why we are struggling. We’ve seen various doctors and there are things thrown around like, “undiagnosed infertility” and “PCOS-like,” without any definitive answers.
I have been greatly pursuing motherhood while also being terrified of motherhood. How conflicting, right? I’ve always known in my bones I wanted to be a mother, without a doubt. But time passing and growing older has shown me how complicated, layered, deep, challenging and amazing the role is. It hasn’t changed anything, it’s just helped me realize it’s so complex and beautiful and life changing.
It took me a long time to accept that we needed help. I know this will be triggering and maddening for some. It’s not your story, it’s ours. I’m a conflict avoider. I felt if I could change some things in my own control, we wouldn’t need to face the scary tests and tough conversations. If I could fix it myself, then I wouldn’t need to face the seriousness that we have problem. I felt healthy. I feel healthy. I’ve always had regular cycles and everything always seemed pretty hum-drum run of the mill. Through time and therapy and lots of tough conversations I have realized this isn’t something I can fix on my own. I’m not broken and this unexpected chapter doesn’t mark me with failure. It means our journey will be filled with lots of folks who will be helping us along the way.
It's been a long and winding journey.
I don’t think I can sum up the past four years, but it’s been a slow and gradual unraveling of new roads, new paths, new people, and new challenges. It’s also taught me about strength and relationships. Love and loved ones. Womanhood and the complex cocktail of being a woman. Of being human. It’s been more questions than answers, and that’s a real challenge.
The only way I can describe our journey with infertility is that it feels like you are walking towards a cliff and you have no idea if a bridge is going to be there. It is so impossible to have your heart in it and not consumed by it. To feel like you can be hopeful without being swallowed by bad news and set backs.
And so we continue this journey with IVF and a hopeful transfer. The journey ahead will probably include some bumps and bruises and tears and fears, but also hopeful for sunny days and rainbows that come out after the rain.
My advice to my previous self and anyone who is struggling or concerned with fertility- find a doctor you love and trust, don’t avoid the hard conversations (they will eventually come), and find a therapist you love. These burdens can often feel bigger than you, you don’t have to be an expert or carry it all alone. Give your self grace. Feel free to consume content, but also shut it all down. Remember you are not broken. You are always blooming, sometimes it’s bright and bold and sometimes it’s slow and quiet.
And the story continues.
Hugs,
Mere
